Oh, where to begin? Alrighty Gals! Listen up! Proctor & Gamble, the lovely folks who sell you dogfood (Iams) and all the while abuse and torture dogs in their testing labs, would like to improve your sex life. Why do I not believe they have our best interest at heart? Here’s a thought. Let’s just for one minute assume that problems cannot be cured/fixed/improved by some chemical. Radical notion, true enough. But just because a kid acts like a kid does not mean he needs to take a drug to make him more tolerable. Suffering the “blues” on occasion means you’re human. Not that you need to pop a pill and become an unfeeling droid. (I’ve seen the glazed over look in the eyes of people on prozac, zoloft. You can’t tell me that’s healthy.) And if you have lowered sex drive, throwing chemicals at the problem is most definitely not the answer. Pharmaceutical companies like Watson Pharmaceuticals Inc. – who developed the Intrinsa patch for P&G - want to sell us their product. But first they have to sell us on the notion that we have the problem that their drug can repair. Or we’re sold the lie that we’re somehow not “normal.” Additionally, we’re sold the definition of “normal” which is also a lie. The marketing strategy remains unchanged from the days of Snake Oil Sam selling out of the back of a covered wagon.
Here’s the reality ladies – we’re human. We are engaged in the human experience. To the fullest if we’re doing it right. We have lives that send us on a daily roller-coaster ride that can leave us exhausted at the end of the day. We’re pre-occupied with the minutiae of every-day life. We have kids, or buy a house, or a parent dies, or the PTA is inept, or our boss is an ass, or whatever happens, it is going to affect how we feel. And the most vital erogenous zone in your body is the one between your ears – it’s all in your head (OTHER head guys) – so this daily grind can and does affect your sex drive. Chemically altering your testosterone level (which just SOUNDS dangerous) will not – in the words of the old Eddie Arnold tune - make the world go away. (I just gave away my age with THAT reference.) Perhaps the physical response will be improved (i.e. lubrication) but do you really want to lie there looking at the ceiling thinking – as the old joke quips – “beige. I think I’ll paint the ceiling beige.”
Now for the gents the pharmaceutical companies are making a mint off the miracle that is Viagra. (The invention of Viagra is another sure sign that baby boomers are pushing past middle age.) So Guys, your physical response isn’t quite as vigorous as it once was and THIS becomes the primary focus of your sexual encounters. Admittedly, there is no denying the importance of functioning equipment for there to be any activity at all but (here’s a Peggy Lee reference) is that all there is? Pardon my sentimentality, but where’s the love? Alright. Alright. Excuse me for bringing emotions into your bump and grind bliss. So bully for you, you can remain erect for hours at a time. Sounds painful if you ask me. (For both you AND your partner.) Still, there is no denying that for you guys vigor, virility and sexual prowess are tied up with your ego, which is in turn tied up in your identity so the whole erection thing really matters both physically and emotionally for you. There’s a reason that “limp dick” is an insult. But I’m not here to talk about the guys.
What about us gals? Oh we are most definitely the complicated creatures that men imagine us to be – both in and out of bed. Probably even more than they imagine. Along with in-the-moment life and it’s affect on our sex drive we are dealing with an endless amount of crap that society has heaped on us. Oh, let me count the ways!
(1) Explain to me how a young woman who has been told her entire life “Sex is bad. Don’t do it. Only whores and sluts like sex.” is supposed to suddenly become a temptress right out of the pages of Penthouse (minus the staples) on her wedding night? And this doesn’t mean that she remained a virgin until then, but that she knew she wasn’t supposed to enjoy it previously so being less than willing while “going along with it” previously was acceptable. Educating our girls about sex means educating them about the joy of sex. Certainly we should teach them that you should wait “until your ready” but when that day comes, well, it’s perfectly alright if you do too! The whole Madonna/Whore thing is stifling and confusing and the idea of it is endlessly perpetuated by our society. It screws with our heads. (Remember – an erogenous zone.)
(2) The number one tool we can give a girl that will both enhance her sexuality and prevent her from having sexual experiences before she is ready is self-esteem. If you teach a girl that she is awesome and can do anything and be anything then she is less willing to fall for some loser who – let’s be honest guys, this exists – just wants to get laid. Not that women don’t have those kinds of encounters. But young women are too often willing to “give it up” because they think their worth is tied up in what a guy thinks of them. “If I don’t have sex with him, he won’t like me.” This kind of thinking is the result of low self-esteem. When you believe in yourself, you respect yourself. When you respect yourself you aren’t going to allow your body to be used as a sperm receptacle. I’ve met some hard-core kick-ass chicks who could give a fig what Johnny-Come-Lately thinks. And these young women own their sexuality. And when these women are in committed, long-term relationships their partners will reap the benefits and their relationship will reap the benefits because they will enjoy sex with reckless abandon. And that is as it should be.
(3) Another huge component to healthy self-esteem is body image. Good God what society has heaped on us in this department! Every guy reading this knows what I’m talking about. It’s a complete cliché – “Does my butt look big in this?” Society – and honestly, women are more at fault here than men – has GOT to stop teaching girls that who we are is how we look! It’s a LIE perpetuated by Madison Avenue. If women stopped believing the hype the cosmetic manufacturers would go out of business tomorrow. And the cosmetic surgery “clinics” and the interminable diet books and the “health” spas. We are so much more than the package that we come in! Having a brain and being able to think for yourself makes you sexy. (At least to the kind of man you really want to attract. You know, the stable, confident ones.) Being passionate about anything –job, activism, any of the creative arts – makes you a highly sexual being. Certainly, being feminine and reveling in all that makes you distinctly female is fabulous. Trés Manifique! Corsets? Bustiers? Hoist the twins up to heaven and see if you don’t (Shania Twain Ya’ll!) feel like a woman. However, this is but one facet of your identity. The idea that there is a beauty “ideal” and she’s six foot tall and weighs 110 lbs with flawless skin and perfectly straight teeth and tons of blonde curls is absolutely ridiculous, unachievable and dangerous to women. These notions of beauty – these impossible definitions of perfection – are hurled at us through every medium imaginable. Are you guys aware that studies conducted have shown that reading women’s magazines can bring on depression in women? WELL OF COURSE! Everything is airbrushed. Women have zero opportunities to see their own likeness in a magazine, on television, in films, and CERTAINLY not in porn. Look around you. Women in everyday life bear little or no resemblance to what you see on television. I have friends who work in television in L.A. The camera puts on 10 lbs so all of those female TV stars are unbelievably skinny in person. Lara Flynn Boyle looks like an Auschwitz victim. And she isn’t the only one. Now, think back to the most important erogenous zone. How is it possible for a woman to feel sexy and “own it” if the image in her head says she doesn’t measure up? What do you think happens to her sex drive? I have single friends who haven’t had sex in YEARS because they don’t want to get undressed in front of a man. WTF? I tell ‘em. “Honey, once he sees tits you've got him! Stop worrying!” Am I right guys? Not to mention there are plenty of men out there who LOVE a woman with curves. Women have got to stop buying into the marketing if they want to reclaim their sexuality. Once you feel sexy, your sex drive is strong. Once you rid your mind of the notion that this or that body part isn’t perfect you free your mind to think about how good skin on skin feels. You can release all inhibitions and enjoy the wildest ride at the rodeo. You can really enjoy how nice it is to have a man’s hands on your body. How delicious sex really is.
So Proctor & Gamble say they’ve invented a patch that can do all this for you? Don’t believe the hype, Ladies. Fight the notion that there is anything wrong with you, reject the idea that a patch or a pill is the answer. Accept that there is no quick fix. You have to start examining your life, your inner life, and discover what’s holding you back. Name it, claim it and discard the crap. This takes time but once you embrace your authentic self, you’ll really enjoy the rodeo – not just add one or two sexual encounters a month to your schedule. Sure, it’s only one aspect of a healthy relationship, but when you improve your sex life, you might be surprised at the remarkable difference it makes in your entire relationship.
Are you discounting legitimate uses of drugs such as zoloft entirely? But just because a kid acts like a kid does not mean he needs to take a drug to make him more tolerable. Have you ever lived with a child who is ADD or ADHD? ADD or ADHD does not allow a kid to act like a kid. Funny thing is the medication for ADD and ADHD has a very negative effect on kids who don't need it. It's a stimulant and it makes them very hyper and overactive, whereas with ADD and ADHD it has the opposite effect. For an ADHD child its medication or the embarrassment of continously being sent to the principal's office, being forced to sit separate from the rest of the class, and constant, but ineffective discipline. Suffering the “blues” on occasion means you’re human. Again, I ask have you ever known someone who's chronically depressed? Without zoloft the chronically depressed are likely to become suicidal. I know a person who has a great life, has no specific pyschological reason for depression, and found that therapy had little affect. For this person it's drugs or suicide.
Aside from that comment, I agree with the rest of this editorial. As a father of two daughters and the husband of an awesome woman it saddens me to see how society has made their self-esteem so dependent upon sex and beauty. My 17 year old daughter is strikingly beautiful, yet often complains about being ugly because she has freckles. She is thin yet often complains about fat. She wants to wear her makeup in a slutty fashion because all the girls do or because it's the way Hollywood says she should. She wants to dress provocatively because that's what fashion mags promote as fashionable. Who hasn't heard that women should use sex as a weapon or a tool to manipulate men? Who hasn't heard that double standard that sex makes men studs and it makes women sluts?
It's funny how quickly men change their attitudes when they become fathers of daughters. My daughters are human beings, they are my truly my joy in life, and being their father has made me repentant of my attitude towards girls when I was a young man. I absolutely hate the thought that their are 17 year old boys out there who are thinking about my daughter the way I thought about girls when I was 17.
God, we all need tango lessons. Badly. We may be the most entertained society in history, but there's no whimsy, no nuance, no joie. Our most intimate relationships are conducted with the delicacy of Monty Python's Fish-Slapping Dance.
Posted by: Miss Authoritiva at December 3, 2004 03:11 PM