December 26, 2004

Boxing Day

Definition of Insanity

Driving 1000 miles with a two year old for this. Brrr

13.jpg
Posted by kerry at 07:58 AM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

December 18, 2004

Because time spent thinking about other cars on the road is time not spent thinking about myself

Shorter Leah McLaren: The anecdote about driving around the graveyard symbolises what a menace I am behind the wheel, and that's why I've decided to learn how to drive a stickshift.

Posted by dave at 03:27 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

December 17, 2004

R.I.P.

Frank magazine. Filthy, irreverent, and unfair... it's what I look for in my satire. They got bought out a year or so ago and tried to clean up their act, but that destroyed their competitive advantage. (Imagine the Drudge Report if he cared whether the stuff he posts is true...)

This is indeed a sad day.

Posted by dave at 11:33 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Next Stop, Disneyland

One guy under estimates resources needed to support a war, another loses $1 billion in reconstruction funding and the last one trumped up the justification for the war. What would you do with subordinates like these? Award them the Congressional Medal of Freedom, of course.

MOF.jpg
Posted by kerry at 06:30 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

December 16, 2004

You say potatoe...

Separated at birth:

morans.jpg

(via)

Posted by dave at 02:04 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

It's your nickel

* Not enough Jesus in Canada causes gay marriage. Don't they know our nuclear umbrella doesn't protect them from fire and brimstone? Feelin' superior yet? Check this out... and apparently .023441162681669% of the gay marriages in Massachusetts have filed for divorce.

* Christmas is under attack. Man your battle stations, if Santa's sleigh gets hijacked we could all be in for a long night of tragedy this year. While you wait for Frosty and the Charlie in the Box to eat lead, play "find the factual errors" in this fantastic expose from the president of the AFA.

* How bad do you have to fuck up a war to piss of Bill Kristol? Think, monumental catastrophe.

* I want to meet this man.

* Joe Lieberman doesn't want sloppy seconds. Pretty bad when you're the alternate to someone of Kerik's character.

* What happens when the fees exceed the rate of growth? What happens when the market goes tits up? What happens when the fund is corruptly managed and unregulated? What? Huh? Could we get our "liberal" media to start asking some real questions?

Posted by kerry at 10:30 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

Separated @ Birth

So, who's Rich Tucker's ventriloquist?

th3.gif th2.jpg
Posted by kerry at 09:27 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Lavamen from Greenland destroy Kyoto

Tim Lambert uncovers the worst argument against global warming, ever. Tim has taken on the task of trying to ensure that the science used in the discussion about global warming is at least semi-legitimate, but it seems to be like pushing on a rope.

So far, Tim has critiqued a paper that did not distinguish between degrees and radians, another that claims that ther e is no such thing as average temperature, and another that just plain makes stuff up. So for him to say that something is the worst argument, ever, you know it's got to be good.

Apparently, global warming is caused by molten lava under the earth's crust:

The temperature of space is about 2.7 degrees Kelvin, or expressed in the Celsius scale, approximately -269 degrees Celsius.

Therefore the net heat loss from the earth to space is enormous, from which space could be thought as an almost infinite heat sink. And fluctuations of this heat source will overwhelm anything that humanity thinks it could contribute.

And why are we not being cooked to a frazzle on the earth’s surface by this enormous mass of matter at a temperature greater than 1000 Degrees Celsius underneath us?

Why indeed? Will Dan Rather and the rest of the liberal media confront this sort of insightful inquiry head on or will they continue to ignore it? I think we know the answer to that.

Or maybe it's caused by the effect noted in Joshua 10: 12-14 ("[12] Then spake Joshua to the LORD in the day when the LORD delivered up the Amorites before the children of Israel, and he said in the sight of Israel, Sun, stand thou still upon Gibeon; and thou, Moon, in the valley of Ajalon. [13] And the sun stood still, and the moon stayed, until the people had avenged themselves upon their enemies. Is not this written in the book of Jasher? So the sun stood still in the midst of heaven, and hasted not to go down about a whole day. [14] And there was no day like that before it or after it, that the LORD hearkened unto the voice of a man: for the LORD fought for Israel.)" If the earth stood still in the Old Testament, then maybe, contrary to Joshua 10:14, it continues to stand still even to this day whenever a change in climate is observed.

But I am not going to dwell on this because it occurred to me that if the earth did change its axis of spin, or careened, slightly, or significantly in the past, then that would have had the interesting effect of moving regions which were once in the tropics, perhaps into more temperate zones, and those in the temperate, perhaps into the arctic zones. We can change the climate of a place simply by moving it about in space?

This would result in the illusion that a particular region suffered a severe climate change, which in one sense is true, but this was only because that region was moved to a different latitude by a change in the earth’s attitude around its axis of spin. The earth’s overall thermal balance would not have changed, but only appeared to have changed from a misinterpretation of the evidence.

This then suggests that during the Medieval warming period Greenland was closer to the equator, and afterwards was moved further north to colder latitudes as the result of some cosmic interaction. That also means that Europe moved to colder climates. Is there any evidence for that? Seems so, if the Korean Choson Annals are anything to go by, as well as the necessity to change the Gregorian calendar, at the time.

History does not record what changes were made to the Gregorian calendar at the time when Greenland ceased being a tropical country.

Posted by dave at 06:33 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

December 15, 2004

caressing the cilice

Controversy

* Give the gift of controversy this year, find a local judge and embroidery the 10 Commandments on a robe for him or her. It's all the rage in Alabama where progress is measured in geological terms. (via a reader)

* A portion of the real impact of our decisions.

* Blair has as much fun with his Cabinet as Bush does. Vetting, not the science it used to be.

* When you send your baby home to be with Jesus, make sure she has arms to hug him with. Thank you for your consideration in this matter.


Holiday Cheer-leading

* Xmas is not the atheistic spelling for Christmas. If the 'christian' aspect of the holiday bugs you, sing some Mithras carols and call yourself enlightened.

* In the immortal words of Stan Marsh, Christmas is actually only about one thing,... presents.

* Online Holiday experiences: Dell.com = very very bad, WalMart.com = horrible, Cabelas.com = reliable, CVS = fast, Ibuydigital.com = also fast and good service. Guess which ones got my money?

Posted by kerry at 09:10 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

That's German for "The Bill Gates, The"

I just installed the latest 'n' greatest Windows security patches, and now my system won't reboot. It's not like I have two weeks worth of work to get done before I leave for vacation and two and a half days to do it, or anything. ARGH.

Update: I managed to get it fixed in slightly under four hours. Gawd, I hate Windows.

Posted by dave at 09:04 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

December 14, 2004

Shorties

* When your child plays with the kids over at 668 Armageddon Drive, they're still visiting the neighbor of the beast. Proximity to evil is still evil.

* When North Korea comes knocking, they'll do it under a cover of... precipitation. File under pitiful.

* Ten year old girl comes to school with scissors. What do you do? Cuff the bitch.

* When a homophobe spends his spare time reading free gay magazines, is he simply fueling the smoldering fire inside or secretly searching for something?

* God Gene. Folks, if someone's not snagging this *right* now as a band name they're missing out a fantastic opportunity. Plus, the degree to which it's guaranteed to bunch Limbaugh's shorts is immeasurable.

* You've pulled yourself up off of welfare. You've struggled to succeed. Climbed the ladder of success. Now what? Begin sawing off the rungs below you.

* Baghdad's green zone has recently been up-hued to the YELLOW ZONE.

Posted by kerry at 10:58 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Today in monkey news

A portrait of President Bush using monkeys to form his image led to the closure of a New York art exhibition over the weekend and anguished protests on Monday over freedom of expression.

...

"We had tons of people, like more than 2,000 people show up for the opening on Thursday night," said show organizer Bucky Turco. "Then this manager saw the piece and the guy just kind of flipped out. 'The show is over. Get this work down or I'm gonna arrest you,' he said. It's been kind of wild."

Things would be so much better if people would stick to making Conservative Art.

(via)

Posted by dave at 09:22 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

Pooh-Bah Posturing

Worthy of Comment

* Syrians for Bush. Have they seen what it looks like when our government decides to attack a middle eastern country? Have they seen our list of "to-do's"?

* Marine sacrifices finger for wedding ring. Loses ring. Check Iraqi pawnshop.

* Restoration of honor and dignity to the White House thwarted. Vetting, not as grueling as it used to be.

* Right wing, retroactively angry about Olympic ceremonies. I've heard of delayed gratification... guess this wouldn't have played well before the RNC?

Townies

Ah, Christmas. The sounds, the smells, the memories, the stories, the wonderous glory and glowing warmth of the holiday season. A time to get together with relatives you avoid all year. A moment in time, violently thrust upon you repeatedly from Labor Day until after the post New Years Day sales. The one time of year when you can buy, a guiltless 10 lb Hershey bar while swaying to the soothing sounds of an animated tree that plays "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer" and farts at the same time. A time to share with the kids, the story of how Kris Kringle was born in a manger with 7 tiny reindeer only to die four months later on a cross, return as an Easter Bunny and save chocolate sales through the first half of the calendar year.

Most importantly, it's the season for the more vocal amongst us, to exhibit much wailing and nashing of teeth over the loss of all that they hold dear. The city hall nativity scenes, dead trees in the courthouses, a stars on the schools, and most importantly... lights, lots and lots of little white lights.

This manufactured fight over the tacky public display of commercialized iconography doesn't feed the hungry, clothe the needy, bring troops home, educate children or create paying jobs. Until those items are the real focus of the holiday, the rhetoric over Christmas preservation rings, just a bit hollow.

Posted by kerry at 05:00 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

December 13, 2004

Police are on the lookout for, well, pretty near everybody

The story about the waxworks Nativity scene starring David and Victoria Beckham is a white-knuckled thrill ride full of twists and turns that will leave you on the edge of your seat! Apparently, someone smashed the display to pieces.

The police have narrowed down the search for the culprit to people who dislike either bad art, the Beckhams, or blasphemy.

Posted by dave at 01:57 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

Quote of the day 2

State Representative Cynthia Davis of Missouri:

"It's like when the hijackers took over those four planes on Sept. 11 and took people to a place where they didn't want to go," she added. "I think a lot of people feel that liberals have taken our country somewhere we don't want to go. I think a lot more people realize this is our country and we're going to take it back."

Posted by dave at 10:36 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

Whiney Cartography

It’s Our Map! Give it Back!
Gary Aldrich

or, we won and we're still cranky

Everyone’s seen the electoral map by now. It’s unsurprising that so much of it is colored in favor of Republicans, but I have a question: If it’s our map, why don’t we get to pick the colors?

Conservatives have little to no aesthetic taste. In an attempt to keep it simple and within the ROY G BIV, the use of primary patriotic colors seemed the way to go.

Who are these mystery people (I’ll call them MP’s) who control how the important matters in our lives are presented to us? Over the years, I have marveled at how certain words are chosen to soften or harden a circumstance depending on the desired outcome. And, just like my checking account where alterations rarely fall to my favor, the words the MP’s choose are rarely in favor of the Republican or Conservative way. For example, matters related to immigration. When foreigners crossed our borders without having stood in line, made application for a visa, and waited their turn, well, we used to call these persons illegal aliens.

And before that, you called them wetbacks, it's called linguistic evolution.

(...) more after the jump

But the MP’s could see that the continued use of the words “Illegal Alien” would cause ordinary folk to actually shun the hoards that move into our cities and onto our lists of the disadvantaged and entitled. So, the MP’s decided that they should be called “undocumented workers”, which of course implies something totally different. In fact, the label “undocumented worker” suggests that the person who used to live in, say, Mexico and now lives in, say, Los Angeles simply forgot to fill out some forms and is gainfully employed, or at least actively seeking work.

It's at this point the audience becomes confused as to whether Gary's more afraid of immigrants or the "Mystery People" he speaks of.

Did you or I get a phone call or a letter in the mail seeking our approval for this change of words and phrases that took an entire class of people from lawbreakers to objects deserving of sympathy and respect, not to mention our tax dollars?

Of course not.

Just like no one was ever contacted when the word liberal suddenly became synonymous with pariah, pinko and "tax you till your ass bleeds".

We weren’t asked about that any more than we were asked when the MP’s painted the entire country Red to represent how many counties Republican voters controlled. I personally like the color red, but only if it’s painted on a fast sports car, like a Corvette or a racing Porsche. I don’t like it painted on an entire country. It looks, well, bloody. Maybe that was the not-so-subtle point that the MP’s were trying to make.

Theories have ranged from association to 70's era speed to the stereotypically described behavior of menstruating woman. Maybe it has something to do with the color people's faces turn when they see something they despise and are yet powerless to control.

I was raised to think Reds were bad people, Communists in fact. Why all of a sudden is it appropriate for Republicans to be Red, while the actual group that is sympathetic or at least passive about Communism gets to be the more pleasant, Blue? Shouldn’t they be the Red ones, or at least Pink? Maybe we should have a new color called Pinko?

Maybe it's not regulated by a belief or creed but by behavior. Restrictive and intrusive government, national spying, rampant nationalism, treatment of parts of the populace as second class citizens.

It’s our map. We own it, and we worked hard to get it. Doesn’t the winner get to define the terms? I think the country should be painted Green and Pinko. Don’t you think that would look neat? So, let’s do it.

Yeah, cute. Like a fucking madras shirt. 51% of registered voters who actually voted is a. not ownership and b. green is the last thing a neocon would like to be associated with.

Here’s another example: Shouldn’t we now get to call bums, bums again? We used to call them bums, but then the MP’s couldn’t use them as a political football because nobody could really be sympathetic toward those living on our streets and urinating in our alleyways who refused to do a day’s work for a day’s pay.

bum = ass, bum = hobo, bum = girly men who are all whiney and unemployed in this new economy of ours. Gary, when you're out late at night, beating them up for fun, you can call them what ever you want.

And when all those seriously mentally ill were released to the streets because somebody said they were being treated unfairly in mental institutions, MP’s could not use words that implied mental sickness, could they? Because if these walking wounded were truly mentally sick, they would belong in a hospital for the mentally ill, am I right?

No, they'd have a column at Townhall and we'd be callling them retards.

Because the MP’s had been winning for a long time, in fact thirty years, and pretty much controlled the way things were done and said in most every important institution, they were able to rename this pathetic group of human misfits “The Homeless.” As a result, instead of these poor souls getting the real help they needed, they were treated as if an evil force in the universe – the Republicans – were forcing the homeless to live on the streets.

No. The GOP creates policies that require the bums to wait 4-10 years for the benefits to "trickle down" to them, remember?

Republicans, like Ronald Reagan, were painted as mean, selfish, and incompetent because, if not for the Republicans, there would be jobs enough for everyone and, thus, homes for everyone. And if somebody just could not work for whatever reason, they would still have a home, see? People would not have to live on the streets, if only Republicans were not in charge.

Like Ronnie, a B-movie actor who fought honorably during WWII in a Hollywood backlot and transferred that same intensity to his finest role as President of the USA. Not all Republicans are like Ronnie. Very few, if any have babbled their way through a second term hoping to god no one noticed advancing alzheimers.

Lots of things have been said and written during the past thirty years that were unfair to Republicans, and we pretty much had to grin and bear it because we were not on the winning side. But, now we are. So when the MP’s, whoever they are, use words and phrases to bend and shape the news and the truth, we need to get right out in front of them and stop them before they have a chance to “install” the word or phrase into daily use.

Taking it on the chin since Nixon. Wearing the Red Badge of ....waitaminute, red is bad... One word, used to describe the mammal who so courageously carried Christ into Jerusalem is still the most appropriate and socially accepted adjective for you, despite all the MP involvement.

Right now I am thinking of the word “insurgent.” It has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it? It’s not too evil sounding, and, actually, it sounds more like something that cannot be controlled, like the tide, right? The tide surges in, and the tide surges out, and nobody can do anything to stop it – but the tide is neither bad nor good. The word “insurgent”, like the word “tide”, is a neutral word, and that’s my point.

Partisan, as used by the local fighters against the Axis powers in WWII was all used up. Insurgent actually, is interchanged between rebel, terrorist, former member of somebody's something, and local fighter. You know why? BECAUSE WE DON'T REALLY KNOW ENOUGH ABOUT THEM TO FUCKING LABEL THEM!

Our fighting men and women are being killed in Iraq by insurgents, and the use of that word puts their death into a different context, doesn’t it? It lessens their sacrifice, because if our brave soldiers were being killed by terrorists, then their deaths would have so much more weight, so much more value.

No. Their deaths are a tragedy period. Linguistics are a smoke screen you're attempting use to cloud the argument. The ratio of soldier to citizen death in an unnecessary war is all a bad thing. Hyper focusing on the verbiage is a red herring.

If their deaths meant more to us as a people, then that collective meaning would fall to the favor of President George Bush, wouldn’t it? And the MP’s can’t have that happen, can they? Thus, “insurgent.”

What about the importance of the word citizen, non-combantant, or child? Oh yeah, we don't *count* those.

Except the MP’s are not in charge anymore, are they? We won, so we get to pick the words, don’t we? So, why is this still happening? The answer is there are three kinds of power. There is actual power, perceived power, and assumed power. The MP’s have long possessed all three kinds of power because they won elections and the general population accepted their rules. As a result, the MP’s got to pick the rules, and they also got to pick the words. But now, they only possess the assumed power. They still have the assumed power to choose words, because too few on our side have demanded that they give that power back. Power is never given away. Power is only seized, and it now belongs to us.

Seized up you mean. This coup as you so obliquely refer to it does not indicate power it indicates control. Call them all "different than us", cheapen their lives and ignore the impact of our actions over our words.

But we need to take it back, or we’ll never get it back!

The MP’s are probably laughing to themselves when they consider how dumb some of us Republicans really are. The MP’s still choose the words, and, like a bunch of idiot Parrots, a lot of us start repeating their word choices without giving a thought to how an important thing is being distorted with the use of a dishonest word or phrase.

No, it's actually sad. Especially since you are in control too.

Maybe too many of us, after having been losers for thirty years, cannot free ourselves from the mindset of a loser. Maybe that’s why we still allow the real losers to hold on to power –are we just too timid and polite to be winners?

Too timid and polite to exercise our free will and use the words god gave us the power to create? The GOP will not be the winners god wants them to be until they're able to fully express themselves calling people names and stereotyping. That, my friends, is goal-setting at its finest.

Posted by kerry at 07:56 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

Quote of the day

Whenever there is a discussion where Pat Buchanan takes the moderate position, you know you've got a problem. Here's William Donahue, President of the Catholic League, appearing on MSGOP

Who really cares what Hollywood thinks? All these hacks come out there. Hollywood is controlled by secular Jews who hate Christianity in general and Catholicism in particular. It's not a secret, OK? And I'm not afraid to say it. That's why they hate this movie. It's about Jesus Christ, and it's about truth. It's about the messiah.

Hollywood likes anal sex. They like to see the public square without nativity scenes. I like families. I like children. They like abortions.

Posted by dave at 05:18 AM | Comments (5) | TrackBack

December 11, 2004

And the refugee camp chic they're wearing in Darfur this year is so early 90s

Shorter Leah McLaren

The fact that my stylish friends and I are all addicted to celebrity gossip is tremendously interesting, but try telling that to a teenage mother in Sudan.

Posted by dave at 09:25 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

December 10, 2004

Taking the 'fun' outta fundamental since 1985

* The White House press corps could learn something from the reporters embedded with the troops.

* Are we not busy enough attacking people internationally, that we need a national pariah. Soon this dead horse is going to start stinking and kicking it isn't going to help the smell.

* When you reach the age of 81, covering all your bases is a good idea.

* Nothing to see here, move along. Everything's hunky dory. Please take a pair of rose colored glasses for your viewing pleasure. Don't forget to vote.

* The FEC, not as concerned about voting irregularities as they are bloggers? Reason #78650 why there's no advertising here.


Beginning next year, the F.E.C. will institute new rules on the restricted uses of the Internet as it relates to political speech.

Posted by kerry at 08:54 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

ACK-centuate the positive. No. Really.

Lulu here. For a change from the usual death, destruction and appalling inanity of our Commander & Thief, today a list of things that inspire. I’m not saying that we should ignore the horrors of the war or the dismantling of the constitution or being stripped of our civil liberties or the rape of the earth or the level of mass stupidity that surrounds us. All of those things are made no less horrendous by all the good. But I’m saying it’s important to recognize what good there is in the world every now and again. To be grateful for the things – large and small - that enrich our lives and the lives of others. We have four more years of suck to endure, we really need to pace ourselves. With that in mind, I’m encouraged that the following exist:

Paste Magazine Rock ‘n Roll: It’s not just for kids anymore™. “One of the fastest growing independently published music magazines in the country,” Paste Magazine has only been around for three years. Every issue comes with a free Music Sampler CD. And beginning this month you also get a sampler DVD of music videos and film trailers. They review artists, bands and films that nobody else does. If you enjoy discovering new music and understand that corporate radio sucks because it’s corporate, then you’ll love Paste Magazine. If you love going to see good film but hate all 25 selections offered at your local mega-plex, then you’ll love Paste Magazine. You can even buy back issues. This magazine gives me hope for The Arts and Artists.

Standing in the Shadows of Motown. The Funk Brothers are the best band you’ve never heard of. Oh, you’ve HEARD them, just not OF them. Because if you’ve ever listened to Stevie Wonder, Marvin Gaye, Smokey Robinson, Aretha Franklin, The Jackson Five, Diana Ross and The Supremes, The Spinners, The Temptations, Mary Wells, Martha and The Vandellas, or The Isley Brothers (to name a few) you’ve listened to The Funk Brothers. They were the “house band” at Berry Gordy’s infamous hit factory in Detroit and they ARE the Motown Sound. The documentary is awesome. The soundtrack is awesome. But the best bang for your buck is to purchase the box set, “Hitsville USA, The Motown Singles Collection, 1959-1971.” Sheer bliss!

>>snip<<
Removed as I can no longer in good conscience make this recommendation. Read comments for details

Augusten Burroughs, best-selling author, likes his comedy black thank-you-very-much. I just finished reading his latest, MAGICAL THINKING. It’s a series of short stories, all true, which are insanely, viciously hilarious. The absolute best description I’ve heard of him yet is from The Boston Globe who said of his memoir RUNNING WITH SCISSORS, “Reads like David Sedaris writing The Hotel New Hampshire.” This memoir describes a stunningly dysfunctional childhood but there is not a moment of self-pity in it. Quite the contrary, even though the circumstances are horrifying his writing is wicked funny. And the story is inspiring because of his resilience and unlikely survival. If you have not read anything by Augusten Burroughs I highly recommend that you pick up RUNNING WITH SCISSORS, or DRY (another memoir – this one about rehab) or MAGICAL THINKING. You will laugh out loud more than once. And if you’re an actor? Pick up MAGICAL THINKING just for the extraordinary monologue material!

Food for the Poor, Inc. is a Christian ministry. Donations made to this organization contribute to the welfare of families-in-need in Latin America and the Caribbean. Now I know, I know – there are a lot of so-called “Christian” organizations that cannot be trusted to use donated funds as they are intended. However, in a 2003 survey of the top 200 charities in the country, Forbes Magazine reported that Food For The Poor's charitable commitment ratio was an impressive 95%. These people are doing good work and are actually following the teachings of Jesus – as opposed to faux Christians who subscribe to nothing more than homophobia, racism and sexism all in the “name of the Lord.” Unlike THOSE “Christians” these folks really are considering “what Jesus would do.” For surprisingly little money, those of us who have food, water and shelter can make a difference in the lives of those who have absolutely nothing. This holiday season please consider this: Abstain from feeding the corporate machine and instead make a donation that could feed a needy family for a month, sustain them for years to come or provide a water-pump for an entire village. It is comforting to know that each of us really can make a difference in the world even though our government is doing all it can to destroy it.

Posted by lulu at 06:16 AM | Comments (5) | TrackBack

Dear Meghan Cox-Gurdon. How do you type with boxing gloves on?

Life is tough when you're America's Worst Mother™. Your husband makes appearances around the house only during sweeps week (sort of like David Duchovny during the final seasons of X Files). You have four unruly children who you have to feed and clothe and shelter and show some level of affection towards (at least according to the nosy nannies at Child Services). And then when you invite Doug Giles over for some "pastoral care", he takes one look at the Bambi screensaver on your computer, and well, you can guess the rest.

compy386

Without the Internets to soothe you, you're forced to grit your teeth and spend time with your darling children: Nantes, Phaedra, Mauve, and Tercel. At least you'll have lots of amusing anecdotes to tell when your computer is finally fixed. Right? Right?

I am typing intently, gazing into the screen as if into the eyes of an oracle. Here's another e-mail from my mother complaining that I haven't returned a phone call. "If you don't leave a message how can I know you called?" I type, a bit snippily.

If this were real literature, we would call this foreshadowing. Meghan finds her mother to be pushy and unreasonable, so she is subconsciously trying to cut the apron strings. Yet she is unable to. The reader is expected to imagine the AWM-TNG™ column written thirty years from now, when Phaedra Cox-Gurdon-Shapiro takes over and writes about how Meghan is interfering in her life.

"Mmmm...what?"

"I said, [Phaedra] just spilled milk all over the kitchen floor. The cork floor! All over it!"

Meghan has had sixteen days to come up with material for this week's column and this is the best she can do. One of her children spilled milk on the floor! And the rest of her children are too dense to use a towel to clean it up!

"Okay, that's fine, let me just finish this e-mail..."

[Nantes] turns to [Mauve] and in friendly, practical tones I hear him explain, "Now that she's got another computer, I guess we will have to start saying everything three times."

"Hey," I object, stung. "You will not. It's just that I haven't had e-mail for ten days and..." trailing off, I find myself glancing back at the glowing blue monitor, as if to include it in the conversation.

"Hey, you kids shut up! Can't you see that I'm busy being nagged by my mother!"

as I turn away from the children I feel myself relax — just from looking at the screen!

"Stupid whiny brats! Anything to get them out of my sight!"

"Uh-oh. Was that my inside voice or outside voice?"

"If it was my outside voice, they'll know how much I resent them for being born and ruining my career of being a highly paid pundette like Ann Coulter."

"No, I'm pretty sure I used my inside voice. My children remain unaware that I find the warm glowing warming glow of my computer far more soul-satisfying than I will ever find them to be. I just have to make sure I don't mention it in my column at National Review, which could end up being read by tens of people!"

"D'oh!"

I do something very brave indeed. I snap down the brand-new lid.

"I guess that can wait," I tell them, blinking a little in the strange atmosphere of unmediated offline reality. "Now, what?"

"Cork," [Mauve] mutters, pulling her thumb out and pointing upwards.

"No, sweetie," I reply. "Cork county is in the south part of Ireland. That means it's full of papists who are going to hell." I gently turn her hand so that her finger is pointing downwards.

This is a little game we like to play. We mention a place and guess whether the majority of the inhabitants are going to heaven (Texas!) or hell (Vermont!). With the innocence of youth, my children are optimistic that anyone can be saved through the grace of God. Sometimes it breaks my heart to have to correct them.

"Follow me!" Paris yells, bounding up the stairs. In the kitchen we find what you would expect to find when the words "Phoebe" and "milk" and "floor" are in the same sentence.

On the other hand, if this were real literature, it would have an editor.

Kneeling with a handful of paper towels, I feel a twinge of comradely sympathy for the murderer who tries to mop up some grisly scarlet Rorschach pattern before the FBI bangs on his door. If a forensic expert were to screen my kitchen for incriminating traces of dairy products, I'd be headed for the big house.

At this point, the only thing one can ask is: "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT,. YOU DEMENTED NINNY!" Milk is blood. Two minutes ago, Meghan couldn't tear herself away from the computer, but now the milk has to be cleaned up before the FBI arrives? This is incoherent even by NRO's standards.

Actually, I did my crying when the computer suddenly died. Everyone knows someone who knows someone to whom this has happened, and I am here to tell you that everything someone says is accurate. First there is panic, and a whacking noise as someone bangs the keys and they availeth not. Then comes disbelief and repeated cries of, "this is ridiculous," and "I don't believe it," and "oh, man, what am I going to do?" A short period of grieving follows, as you reflect on all the unanswered e-mails and unfinished proposals for articles and bestselling trilogies that died with the hard drive, and then — O bliss! — comes acceptance and liberation.

Panic, disbelief, grief, acceptance. Apparently, the real five stages of grief are copyrighted by a competing webpage.

The reproachful e-mails have vanished into the ether; long passages of hard-won, too-clever prose have vaporized, and you are free! You can be born again in Version 10.3.6!

I have nothing to say here. I just wanted to keep the bit where Meghan thinks her prose is "too clever".

Thanksgiving weekend is wonderfully quiet. ... [T]he hum of technology is so markedly absent that for a few days we return to a kind of pre-industrial agrarian existence, inasmuch as such a thing is possible in an urban townhouse. Out come the board games. Logs brought in from actual rural areas crackle expensively in the fireplace. The kitchen looks like something out of a Laura Ingalls Wilder book, minus the headcheese.

And just like in a Laura Ingalls Wilder book, Phaedra went blind! (Although unlike in a Laura Ingalls Wilder book, it was caused by drinking Ma's bathtub gin.)

"I am thankful for blueberries," [Phaedra] remarks as she digs her fork into a slice of pumpkin pie.

"I am thankful for my family," says [Mauve] loyally, and everyone loudly seconds her.

"I'm thankful about Lawrence," [Tercel] puts in. Lawrence is a seven-year-old whose education we recently began sponsoring.

Meghan glances angrily at the empty chair where Pa Gurdon should be. If he had been home instead of at that "conference" out of town with his secretary, there wouldn't have been the Incident, and the lawsuit, and the support payments.

"Me too," [Nantes] says. "But where is he going to sleep?"

"He's not going to sleep here," [Tercel] laughs. "He lives in Uganda, silly."

[Nantes] takes a swipe at her, and then turns to me, worried. "I was going to ask you something about him."

Oh no. It's the "why is Lawrence different from us and why does he have to live so far away?" talk.

"Oh, yes!" [Nantes] remembers. "Is Lawrence a Democrat?"

"Of course he is!" I snap. "He's black and poor -- what else would he be?"

"[Nantes], how can it — " I begin, dismayed, thinking that now it really has gone too far, this partisanship that surrounds us, that an eight-year-old boy would want to know the politics of a boy living in Kampala. How can it matter, why would he ask such a thing? Then it occurs to me that I don't actually know.

"So I called up my friends at The Monkey Cage to ask them. The Derb told me that it was the fault of the homosexualists, whose pert, firm asses are always distracting even someone like himself who is COMPLETELY 100% STRAIGHT. Jonah said it was the fault of Hollywood, because by being utterly amoral and avaricious, they stole the Republican Party's defining qualities. But K-Lo set me straight. 'Partisanship is entirely caused by the Democrats,' she said plainly. 'Every one of them hates America with a blind, unthinking fury 100 times worse than Osama's. '"

"Why do you ask?" "Because if he is," [Nantes] says cheerfully, pulling out of his pocket an Altoids box decorated with a kicking donkey which someone gave my husband at the Democratic convention, "he might like this as a present!"

Yes, it happened exactly like that.

Meghan, this column is meandering around even worse than one of Grandpa Simpson's. Could you wrap it up soonish?

It dawns on me that we haven't had a message since...October? No wonder the house has been so quiet. It turns out that a brief power outage six weeks ago mysteriously caused the answering machine in our phone system, which we don't use, to leap into life and override the message system from the phone company, which we do use. I approach my office with trepidation, and see for the first time a tiny, rapidly blinking red light on the side of the phone.

Beep!

There are thirty-one messages dating back weeks, starting with:

"Hi Meg, this is your mother. Could you please call — ?"

Et le happy end. Grandma Cox is bustin' Meghan's balls again, and all is right with the world.

Tune in next week for another pointless, rambling column that goes nowhere, starring America's Worst Mother™!

Posted by dave at 03:15 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

December 09, 2004

Separated at birth

dubula.jpg
Posted by dave at 05:30 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

Seasonal dilemma

Lots o' eggnog, but no rum. This situation must be remedied at the earliest possible opportunity.

Posted by dave at 04:18 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Thou Shalt Not

-- The Bush administration, saying that religion "has played a defining role" in the nation's history, urged the U.S. Supreme Court to permit Ten Commandments displays in courthouses.

Oh goody. Now, which set will they use? Once the approved Decalogue has been decided upon as acceptable for courthouses, will they serve as a guideline for judges? Will we then, begin to institute judicial writs based on the first 5 too? After they're installed, won't they be, somewhat, in violation of Commandment 2? When the dust settles over this issue, let's bring about an initiative to institute Leviticus 11's series of laws. If we want to *really* live in the Old Testament, let's get real with it.

Posted by kerry at 08:58 AM | Comments (5) | TrackBack

"I couldn't find any Frankenstein, so I brought a Tickle-me-Elmo from my own private collection," remarked the Wise Man from the West

Mmmmm... sacrelicious:

Church leaders united on Wednesday to condemn a Christmas Nativity tableau depicting soccer star David Beckham as Joseph and his pop singer wife Victoria as the Virgin Mary.



"I definitely want [the baby] to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet."

Although, the article does go on to prove that satire is not dead:

Tony Blair, George W. Bush and the Duke of Edinburgh star as The Three Wise Men.

Posted by dave at 05:33 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

Heavenly Hebetude

Quickies

* Like insurance, 'cept different. They should appreciate us more, or something. Minus the O'Reilly factor who ushers in Hannukah with relocation recommendations.

* Holiday gifting ideas for your favorite rogue dictator.

* In case you're not sure if your favorite movie as political undertones or a hidden agenda? Check it here first.

* True wisemen. Which one has the myrrh?

* Speak like the GOP, learn the fallacies of distraction.

Supporting the Troops

* A yellow ribbon on your SUV is not supporting the troops. Neither is cutting them loose with no safety net.

* Telling the truth is not betrayal, especially when the basic tenants of military law are being circumvented.

The Trouble with Polls

* How you think they got these stats?

Also, sexually active girls are nearly three times more likely to attempt suicide than girls who are not sexually active. Boys were a whopping eight times more likely to take their own lives.
Posted by kerry at 04:15 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

December 08, 2004

Hunka Hunka

uniform.jpg

Time with my girl I spent it well
I had to be strong for my woman
(You must be joking, O man you must be joking)
She needed to be protected

The good life was so elusive
Handouts, they got me down
I had to regain my self-respect
So I got into camouflage

The girls they love to see you shoot

I love a man in a uniform
I love a man in a uniform
I love a man in a uniform
I love a man in a uniform

(...........)

Posted by kerry at 08:32 AM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

Clear and Present

Taunting TownHall

* Chuck Colson ran out of topics for his column this week. In a fit of desperation he ran to his storage closet for inspiration. Digging into his box of archived reading material he found his stack of Spire Comics. Skipping over the most logical choice from which he could kick start his creative juices he grabbed the one with the catchiest title. Expect excerpts from the bottom of the box in future articles.

* Larry Kudlow, also frighteningly short on subject matter wants you to buy his wife's pretty paintings.


I just call it conservative art. Let me tell you what it’s not — it’s not modernistic, abstract, self-centered expressionism. It’s not just throwing paint at a canvas. It doesn’t tear down art, or the rest of the world, for that matter. It’s not the negative pessimistic crap that too often passes for art in blue states like New York and, well, you know where else. These are just beautiful, calm, pleasant pictures. Stuff you can enjoy looking at, which is what I think art should be.

ART SALE!!! Now 75% off, at the Hampton Inn Queen Bee Ballroom 2 miles south of I-95 near the Circle Grill. Come on down!!

* The number of complaints sent in to the FCC regarding the insipid "Married in America" were not trumped up. Brent Bozell knows that for sure. It was his collective group of lemmings that sent them in.


It is a reason why many people stated on Nov. 2 that their greatest concern was the assault on moral values.

You can't be assaulted by immorality on your TV when it's unplugged. Willing victims, methinks.

* Mexican immigrants. The gateway drug for terrorist invasion.

Values

* Family Values, Bush style.

* Think local.

* My grandma went to Canada for medication and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.

* Pre-emtively certifiable. Probable.

Posted by kerry at 04:26 AM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

December 07, 2004

Crazy doesn't even begin to cover it.

Is there a name for this disorder? And I don’t mean simply obsessive-compulsive disorder but specifically a disorder for hoarding crap and being convinced that it is useful/valuable? Each photo is a separate link – no registration necessary. With each new photo it becomes increasingly difficult to believe this exists. It is truly mind boggling. And it makes your own Mom seem a little bit sane.

Learn Canadian! No, not FRENCH but Canadian dialect. You know, the dialect that SCTV characters Bob & Doug McKenzie made popular in the ‘80s, eh? Never know when it might come in handy.

Wow. File under: Fascinating and I’m not at all sure why.

My People. A very strange people. And also amazingly talented. Unrelenting perfectionism produces both.

Thank you, Sen. Feingold. I was recently emailed “A Letter to the People in the Red States.” It apparently is making the rounds although it was written back on November 12th. (I somehow missed it until now.) Great letter. I couldn’t agree more. Some of the responses to Susan Schroeder are typical - what you’d expect from anyone trying to rationalize the incompetence of BushCo. One mentioned that America is “the shining city on the hill” (Ronnie Boy lives!) and that is one of the things that separates us from other countries. That may well have been, once. The War in Iraq, Abu Ghraib, Gitmo, continued job loss, sexual assault perpetrated by the "elite," and our failing economy - etc., etc., etc. changes the face of America across the globe. And THAT is what this patriot laments. As Sen. Feingold states, “America is so much better than this.” Amen to that Brother.

Jeff Bridges. I love this guy. I’ve seen most of his movies. (The Big Lebowski, The Fisher King, Fearless and The Fabulous Baker Boys among my faves. I even forgive him for that monumental stinker, Heaven’s Gate.) I only recently discovered that he blogs! Well, sort of. He hand-writes and draws everything. Check him out.

Posted by lulu at 06:38 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

Heavy Rotation

just cuz

* Run, don't walk. download, enjoy. tasty.

* Every once in a while you encounter a breath of fresh air on the web. rare.

* Demerol drip? That makes my doctor, a sadist?

* Solution to my 244lbs. of shelled pecans. sweeeeet.

* Play with baby Jesus. eerie.

Posted by kerry at 04:08 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

14 Crassly Commercialized Days Left to Shore Up the Sagging Economic Numbers

Holidy Gift Ideas

* Pre-order now and have it shipped to your door in time to ring in the new Kwanzaa.

* For the holidays, I want to re-live my childhood, cowering behind the sofa scared to death of the end times and positive that no matter what I did to prevent being "left behind" I was doomed.

With Love, from the Heart

* In accordance with Christ's teachings, another blow is dealt to the unclean who walk amongst us. Accept not, that which frightens and confuses you...

* Beauty pageant's are like giving birth...... with much less pain and ookey ookey goo.

* Muff-in diving for fun and profit. Fantastic reading and real insight into what life in the current White House must be like.

* What no safe word? Kiiiiiinky.


If he turns and tries to look at you, say, "Look at your hands." (You should still be all business and under control, no yelling.) Then give them one firm swat on the spot God designated. If he puts his hands behind him and turns around screaming as though you have killed him, firmly say, "Turn around and put your hands back on the chair. If you move this time, you are going to get another swat." Then give another swat. If he screams way too loud just to get back at you, tell him to "be quiet", and give another swat. Take your time. Don't get angry at all. Stern is okay, angry is not. wash rinse repeat as necessary

Operation Desert Righteousness

* Lost hearts and minds, settling for pancreas and sphincter.

* I can't imagine why we haven't won them over... we sent in trained SEALS to perform and still they're not happy.

* The US Consulate in Jeddah, Saudi Arabia was attacked? Who saw that coming? A nation that prides itself on only exporting peace and prosperity now experiencing this type of violence? What is this world coming to?

Back Here at Home

* Terrorism's not nearly as scary, when you compare it to the concept of shoring up an entire nation's safety net with foreign debt.

* Truth, being stranger than fiction, makes for an intringuing and creepy read. Bidness as unusual in Florida. via a reader

Posted by kerry at 02:59 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

December 06, 2004

I want to say one word to you. Just one word. Are you listening? Plastics.

Linky goodness

* Coolest thing EVER = a cellphone cover that turns into a sunflower when you throw it away.

* The seventh sexiest person on the internet does her annual Advent Calendar. Subtle and profound.

* Make your own superhero. (picture of me below the fold)

* Yeubing.

* "So I decided to explore randomness and some of the principles of quantum mechanics, through poetry, using the medium of sheep."

(via, via)

superhero-dave.png

Yes, I really do look like that.

Posted by dave at 05:06 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

Giving Head--------lines

* Keeping with the effort of restoring honor and dignity, Preznit Boosh has nominated Bernie Kerik to replace out going Tom "Heartbreak" Ridge as head of the Department of Fatherland Security. I feel safer already.

* Speaking of safety, man we're really Iraqing and rolling in the adjunct war on perceived threats. With the successes seen after Mission was Accomplished and the Turnover, post election glee's *really* going to have an impact.

* Boycott Target!!!! Why? Um, they're cool with homosexuality, why else... other than their hatred for incessant bell ringing.

* Right or wrong, no one should be canned for voicing an opinion. Institute a "do you believe in GodMel Gibson litmus test for hiring maybe....

* White House press corps, testicle free since 2000. Please donate to the Cajones for Correspondents Fund.

* Condi, starring in her best role yet.

* Headlines we'd like to see. Click now, guaranteed to be 'cease and desisted' soon.

* International Economics 101.

The United States is expected to borrow $670 billion this year from the rest of the world, according to estimates last week by the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development.

(...)

In fact, the lower dollar can do only part of the job. Nearly all the economic doctors advise the United States to take steps to save more so it relies less on foreign borrowing, and most of them say that means cutting the federal deficit.


Posted by kerry at 06:24 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Man and man! What is man?

In traditional Christian churches, the four weeks before Christmas are a period known as Advent. During the Sunday service, there will be a special reading from Scripture and a candle will be lit. Each candle represents a particular facet of what Christ's birth promises to the world: Hope, Peace, Joy, and Love.

At Doug Giles' ClashChurch™, they commemmorate only the three weeks before Christmas, and they celebrate what Doug Giles promises to the world:

· Competition
· Independence
· Responsibility

Doug lights the candles from the pulpit using a flamethrower.

Doug illustrates this week's topic (competition) using a manly anecdote from one of his manly hunting trips that he likes to take with his other manly friends:

Take the animal kingdom, for instance. While on one of my glorious and many hunting trips, I had two bucks feeding in front of my stand about 75 yards away. To my right, out of a thick stand of trees, comes a doe in to feed with the grass-munchin’ boys, and the next thing you know … it’s a WWE match in a South Florida palmetto patch. The two young bucks commenced to smashing their heads together over Bambi’s cute sister. The kicker is … while Frick and Frack are locked up vying for dominance … a more mature buck appears and begins to walk off with the doe … that is, until I shot him!

Take that, natural selection! (Of course, if Doug were as tough as he thinks he is, he would have fought the buck mano a mano, instead of cowering in a foxhole seventy-five yards away like the yellow-bellied pansy he really is).

And lastly, the male competitive spirit caused the production of a better breed of people. You know, in the animal kingdom, you don’t get to mate if you don’t exert your masculinity in the field by dominance.

And then when you do think you're going to get to mate, you get shot by Doug Giles.

Traditional society esteemed and structured man’s aggressiveness, realizing that men who like to fight were a must for the good society. Our forebears bridled the bad fruits and released the good produce of combative behavior by recounting great biblical narratives, by conducting ceremonies, and by maintaining an ethical code built around properly releasing this warrior spirit.

This is what's so great about Doug Giles. He puts so much mental energy into proving that he's a manly man, but by the time you get to the ClashPoint™ of his column, he's gibbering on about the "warrior spirit" like some suburban actuary who's just read Iron John for the first time.

Posted by dave at 04:42 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

December 05, 2004

And by the way, did I mention that I was blond and popular? Yes? OK then, did I mention that I was good looking and popular?

Shorter Leah McLaren: I was popular in high school and now I have a nationally-syndicated newspaper column; you weren't and don't.

Posted by dave at 05:20 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

Spam of the day

Do you have to fail an aptitude test in order to be a spammer? I mean, really.

Number 1. "Please go to our totally real web page and give us your credit card number and secret password." Do people really fall for this one?

Number 2. "If you don't comply until ..." implies that I should wait until after the date specified. I think they meant to say "If you don't fail to not comply until it is not after November 31, your eBay account won't be not suspended. Not."

Number 3. November 31?

We at eBay are sorry to inform you that we are having problems with the billing information of your account. We would appreciate it if you would visit our eBay Billing Center and fill out the proper information that we are needing to keep you as an eBay member. If you don't comply until the 31st November 2004, your eBay membership may be suspended, or even deleted.

They also misspelled DELTEATED!

Posted by dave at 03:49 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

December 03, 2004

All the tenacity of Sedar Argic with none of the finesse

Kook of the Day

* Abridged David Limbaugh:

The Republican Party is at a crossroads. It needs to decide whether it wants to continue to marginalize itself as the party of Jerry Falwell and Ann Coulter, or be a constructive force in the future of American politics and governance.

News of Sorts

* $734,000.00 to study pornography? There's much more to this article than focusing on the Reagan jack-off budget... like the labeling of Kinsey as a cultural terrorist and her attack on gays. From writing songs for Captain Kangaroo to anti-porn queen... explains the lifetime achievement award for abstinence.

* Steve Gardner proves the theory, you cannot be a martyr without an angry mob. You just wind up looking like, well, a loser.

* Bush swings his blunt instrument of illogical bullheadedness regarding Iraqi elections. Not a matter of whether they're ready, it's a matter of him being ready.

"The elections should not be postponed," he said. "It's time for the Iraqi citizens to go to the polls and that's why we are very firm on the Jan. 30 date."

* Just seven rogue soldiers huh? According to GI Joe, knowing is half the battle, right?

* Retrogrouch has a must read opinion piece on Sex Education.

Elsewhere

* Check out John Scalzi's piece on forgotten xmas specials.

* Reverence and sacred sites. A must visit.

* Free cover letter tutorial.

* Aw, poop.

Posted by kerry at 06:16 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

Quote of the day

Radical cleric Jerry Falwell, appearing on Crossfire:

"I think [the war] is going well. CNN doesn't always get it right, but it goes pretty well if you watch it on FOX."

(via )

Posted by dave at 05:54 AM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

December 02, 2004

Better Living Through Chemistry?

Oh, where to begin? Alrighty Gals! Listen up! Proctor & Gamble, the lovely folks who sell you dogfood (Iams) and all the while abuse and torture dogs in their testing labs, would like to improve your sex life. Why do I not believe they have our best interest at heart? Here’s a thought. Let’s just for one minute assume that problems cannot be cured/fixed/improved by some chemical. Radical notion, true enough. But just because a kid acts like a kid does not mean he needs to take a drug to make him more tolerable. Suffering the “blues” on occasion means you’re human. Not that you need to pop a pill and become an unfeeling droid. (I’ve seen the glazed over look in the eyes of people on prozac, zoloft. You can’t tell me that’s healthy.) And if you have lowered sex drive, throwing chemicals at the problem is most definitely not the answer. Pharmaceutical companies like Watson Pharmaceuticals Inc. – who developed the Intrinsa patch for P&G - want to sell us their product. But first they have to sell us on the notion that we have the problem that their drug can repair. Or we’re sold the lie that we’re somehow not “normal.” Additionally, we’re sold the definition of “normal” which is also a lie. The marketing strategy remains unchanged from the days of Snake Oil Sam selling out of the back of a covered wagon.

Here’s the reality ladies – we’re human. We are engaged in the human experience. To the fullest if we’re doing it right. We have lives that send us on a daily roller-coaster ride that can leave us exhausted at the end of the day. We’re pre-occupied with the minutiae of every-day life. We have kids, or buy a house, or a parent dies, or the PTA is inept, or our boss is an ass, or whatever happens, it is going to affect how we feel. And the most vital erogenous zone in your body is the one between your ears – it’s all in your head (OTHER head guys) – so this daily grind can and does affect your sex drive. Chemically altering your testosterone level (which just SOUNDS dangerous) will not – in the words of the old Eddie Arnold tune - make the world go away. (I just gave away my age with THAT reference.) Perhaps the physical response will be improved (i.e. lubrication) but do you really want to lie there looking at the ceiling thinking – as the old joke quips – “beige. I think I’ll paint the ceiling beige.”

Now for the gents the pharmaceutical companies are making a mint off the miracle that is Viagra. (The invention of Viagra is another sure sign that baby boomers are pushing past middle age.) So Guys, your physical response isn’t quite as vigorous as it once was and THIS becomes the primary focus of your sexual encounters. Admittedly, there is no denying the importance of functioning equipment for there to be any activity at all but (here’s a Peggy Lee reference) is that all there is? Pardon my sentimentality, but where’s the love? Alright. Alright. Excuse me for bringing emotions into your bump and grind bliss. So bully for you, you can remain erect for hours at a time. Sounds painful if you ask me. (For both you AND your partner.) Still, there is no denying that for you guys vigor, virility and sexual prowess are tied up with your ego, which is in turn tied up in your identity so the whole erection thing really matters both physically and emotionally for you. There’s a reason that “limp dick” is an insult. But I’m not here to talk about the guys.

What about us gals? Oh we are most definitely the complicated creatures that men imagine us to be – both in and out of bed. Probably even more than they imagine. Along with in-the-moment life and it’s affect on our sex drive we are dealing with an endless amount of crap that society has heaped on us. Oh, let me count the ways!

(1) Explain to me how a young woman who has been told her entire life “Sex is bad. Don’t do it. Only whores and sluts like sex.” is supposed to suddenly become a temptress right out of the pages of Penthouse (minus the staples) on her wedding night? And this doesn’t mean that she remained a virgin until then, but that she knew she wasn’t supposed to enjoy it previously so being less than willing while “going along with it” previously was acceptable. Educating our girls about sex means educating them about the joy of sex. Certainly we should teach them that you should wait “until your ready” but when that day comes, well, it’s perfectly alright if you do too! The whole Madonna/Whore thing is stifling and confusing and the idea of it is endlessly perpetuated by our society. It screws with our heads. (Remember – an erogenous zone.)

(2) The number one tool we can give a girl that will both enhance her sexuality and prevent her from having sexual experiences before she is ready is self-esteem. If you teach a girl that she is awesome and can do anything and be anything then she is less willing to fall for some loser who – let’s be honest guys, this exists – just wants to get laid. Not that women don’t have those kinds of encounters. But young women are too often willing to “give it up” because they think their worth is tied up in what a guy thinks of them. “If I don’t have sex with him, he won’t like me.” This kind of thinking is the result of low self-esteem. When you believe in yourself, you respect yourself. When you respect yourself you aren’t going to allow your body to be used as a sperm receptacle. I’ve met some hard-core kick-ass chicks who could give a fig what Johnny-Come-Lately thinks. And these young women own their sexuality. And when these women are in committed, long-term relationships their partners will reap the benefits and their relationship will reap the benefits because they will enjoy sex with reckless abandon. And that is as it should be.

(3) Another huge component to healthy self-esteem is body image. Good God what society has heaped on us in this department! Every guy reading this knows what I’m talking about. It’s a complete cliché – “Does my butt look big in this?” Society – and honestly, women are more at fault here than men – has GOT to stop teaching girls that who we are is how we look! It’s a LIE perpetuated by Madison Avenue. If women stopped believing the hype the cosmetic manufacturers would go out of business tomorrow. And the cosmetic surgery “clinics” and the interminable diet books and the “health” spas. We are so much more than the package that we come in! Having a brain and being able to think for yourself makes you sexy. (At least to the kind of man you really want to attract. You know, the stable, confident ones.) Being passionate about anything –job, activism, any of the creative arts – makes you a highly sexual being. Certainly, being feminine and reveling in all that makes you distinctly female is fabulous. Trés Manifique! Corsets? Bustiers? Hoist the twins up to heaven and see if you don’t (Shania Twain Ya’ll!) feel like a woman. However, this is but one facet of your identity. The idea that there is a beauty “ideal” and she’s six foot tall and weighs 110 lbs with flawless skin and perfectly straight teeth and tons of blonde curls is absolutely ridiculous, unachievable and dangerous to women. These notions of beauty – these impossible definitions of perfection – are hurled at us through every medium imaginable. Are you guys aware that studies conducted have shown that reading women’s magazines can bring on depression in women? WELL OF COURSE! Everything is airbrushed. Women have zero opportunities to see their own likeness in a magazine, on television, in films, and CERTAINLY not in porn. Look around you. Women in everyday life bear little or no resemblance to what you see on television. I have friends who work in television in L.A. The camera puts on 10 lbs so all of those female TV stars are unbelievably skinny in person. Lara Flynn Boyle looks like an Auschwitz victim. And she isn’t the only one. Now, think back to the most important erogenous zone. How is it possible for a woman to feel sexy and “own it” if the image in her head says she doesn’t measure up? What do you think happens to her sex drive? I have single friends who haven’t had sex in YEARS because they don’t want to get undressed in front of a man. WTF? I tell ‘em. “Honey, once he sees tits you've got him! Stop worrying!” Am I right guys? Not to mention there are plenty of men out there who LOVE a woman with curves. Women have got to stop buying into the marketing if they want to reclaim their sexuality. Once you feel sexy, your sex drive is strong. Once you rid your mind of the notion that this or that body part isn’t perfect you free your mind to think about how good skin on skin feels. You can release all inhibitions and enjoy the wildest ride at the rodeo. You can really enjoy how nice it is to have a man’s hands on your body. How delicious sex really is.


So Proctor & Gamble say they’ve invented a patch that can do all this for you? Don’t believe the hype, Ladies. Fight the notion that there is anything wrong with you, reject the idea that a patch or a pill is the answer. Accept that there is no quick fix. You have to start examining your life, your inner life, and discover what’s holding you back. Name it, claim it and discard the crap. This takes time but once you embrace your authentic self, you’ll really enjoy the rodeo – not just add one or two sexual encounters a month to your schedule. Sure, it’s only one aspect of a healthy relationship, but when you improve your sex life, you might be surprised at the remarkable difference it makes in your entire relationship.

Posted by lulu at 08:38 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

Turning on the Charm

Culture Crisis

* Spongebob Squarepants is doomed in Alabama. I tell ya, doomed. Captain Underpants will be counter suing for defamation.

* Kid mentions mom is gay. Teacher punishes child. Parent complains. Teacher sues parent. Alice notices croquet balls are hedgehogs.

* Makes you wonder why we're so hyper-focused on the petty. Maybe heads are elsewhere.

* Why abstinence education, isn't. (via)

* No Child Left, right, left, right, left, right Behind.

Terra

* Still loving the smell of napalm in the morning, it's the US military. Oh wait, no... it's not *technically* napalm. Update: For the skeptics, it's Mark-77, and shouldn't come as a surprise.

* Should the CIA have a longer leash in the new war on terror? Possibly. Interesting perspective.

Mildly Personal

* Shop your conscience.

* Why? "Because no one listens when I'm screaming at my TV, over coffee or out my window.

Posted by kerry at 05:32 AM | Comments (7) | TrackBack

Although I do admit that a quick puff before seeing the SpongeBob SquarePants movie made all the difference

Kerry posted a quickie link to this yesterday, but if you haven't read it yet, you really owe it to yourself. Gary Aldrich expounds on the evils of medical marijuana, and it is a real tour-de-force. I would not have imagined that it would be possible to cram every single piece of Reefer Madness-style War On (Some) Drugs propaganda into a single 1000-word column, but Gary does it with eight words to spare.

You've got yer hippes, you've got yer "gateway drug", you've got yer made-up statistics. There's even a swipe at Bill Clinton (which is apparently a requirement written into the boilerplate for columnists at Town Hall).

Now, recall that this is nominally a column about whether people with AIDS should be allowed to use marijuana to alleviate the nausea that they get from taking all their anti-viral drugs, and check out the right turn that Gary takes at Albe-koi-kee:

Marijuana is also a sneaky drug. It’s considered a gateway drug because once the casual user smokes it and enjoys its “benefits” without a serious consequence, the user concludes that the same could be true for other, more serious drugs. Thus the escalation begins and, for so many poor souls, their lives completely unravel. To feed their out-of-control drug habit, the addict often turns to a life of crime. After they have begged, borrowed, and stolen money and valuables from their friends and families, their future becomes the life of a serious criminal, and prison cannot be far behind.

[...]

Yet selfish, self-centered Liberals don’t care about any of that – they just want their marijuana, cocaine, or whatever designer drug is in fashion. What they won’t admit is that many cannot enjoy their sexual activities without using the drugs – this is the dirty little secret that nobody wants to talk about. The effects of marijuana and cocaine are often more powerful than Viagra. The Liberal guy pushes drug use because everyone knows drugs sweep away a woman’s natural reluctance to behave like a barnyard goat.

I defer to the honourable gentleman's superior knowledge about how barnyard goats behave when they get too horny.

Posted by dave at 04:31 AM | Comments (6) | TrackBack

December 01, 2004

World Aids Day - addendum

Thanks for that, Dave! I would like to add that there is a wonderful organization in Dallas, Bryan's House, that not only cares for children infected with HIV/AIDS but also children affected by the disease. They offer many programs and services for these children and their families.

This holiday season, consider making a donation to Bryan's House in lieu of purchasing gifts. My husband and I did this last year and the response we received from his family and mine was wonderful. My mother-in-law was truly moved and liked the gift more than any other we've ever bought her. When you make a donation, Bryan's House can send you cards that you can give to your relatives telling them that a donation was made in their honor. You need only request the cards when you call. Just $30 provides baby food for a day. $100 provides milk for a week. They also have wish lists of items they need, some of them ongoing needs. Things like bookshelves, a digital camera, floor lamps, printing services, playstation or Xbox games, baby stuff, kitchen stuff, classroom needs and office supplies. There are many ways to help. Just click on "how to help" on their homepage to find out more.

Visit their website at www.bryanshouse.org for further information. Their phone number is 214.559.3946 but you can also make a donation online.

Thanks!
Lulu :-)

Posted by lulu at 08:09 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

World AIDS Day

Today is World AIDS Day.

More than 20 years, and 20 million deaths, since the onset of the AIDS pandemic, less than 5 percent of those suffering from the disease are receiving treatment and no vaccine or cure is in sight. Yet, the disease continues to spread steadily: in 2003, more than 5 million people were infected with HIV/AIDS.

AIDS has caused untold misery around the world and continues to do so. There are nine African countries where the average life expectency has dropped below 40 years, substantially as a result of the HIV/AIDS pandemic. Nearly everybody I know has had someone close to them die of AIDS or had their life irrevokably changed by HIV.

It's an enormous issue and it's easy to feel crushed under the sheer, massive scale of the problem. But even making a small contribution to an organization that's fighting AIDS will make a real and positive impact in somebody's life.

Donate globally:
Doctors Without Borders

Donate locally:
AIDS Services of Dallas
AIDS Committee of Toronto

Posted by dave at 05:27 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

And Jeffrey Loria threw in some beautiful waterfront property for an extra $100 million

Monday: the Toronto Blue Jays buy the Skydome for $25 million. It was built in 1989 for $578 million, including $360 million in subsidies from taxpayers.

Wednesday: the Washington Nationals convince the city to pony up $440 million for their new stadium, out of a total cost of $440 530 584 million.

Suckers.

Posted by dave at 03:15 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Your 100 Monkeys tip of the day

ITEM: A CIBC cash machine started dispensing Canadian Tire money at a mall outside of Moncton, New Brunswick.

Here's how you can tell if this has happened to you.

   Real MonopolyCanadian money has a picture of a real Scotsman on it.
   Fake Canadian money has a picture of a fake Scotsman on it.

I hope this clarifies things.

While we're on the topic, you might think "That Scotsman they have there looks like he's direct from Central Casting. I hope it's based on the age-old stereotype about how the Scottish are cheap bastards." And here's how Canadian Tire Corporation puts your mind to rest.

In 1961, the next generation of Canadian Tire 'Money' was introduced. This marked the birth of a well-known Scotsman, Sandy McTire, a character that became synonymous with Canadian Tire's emphasis on savings and value.

Apparently, their original plan of using a picture of a hook-nosed Shylock was considered to be too politically incorrect. So thank God you're still allowed to make fun of the Scottish, that's what I say.

Posted by dave at 12:46 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Oh Dear, Leader

ohdear.jpg
Posted by kerry at 09:03 AM | Comments (6) | TrackBack

Malicious Malpropism

In 10 Words or Less

* "They just want their drugs." Let em suffer.

* TSA, celebrating 3 years of "Please stand over there".

* True patriots being recognized by more, true patriots.

* Actionable fraud, add it to your vocabulary.

* Boy Scouts blow the military, film at 11.

* Bush eats Canadian beef, becomes mad cow stupid.

* CBS now a fully owned subsidary of the White House.

* Iraqi interim government hires Tom Ridge.

* British police exhibit US level of moronic behavior.

* Martyrdom comes in many forms. This ain't one of them.

Posted by kerry at 08:00 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack